I AM 2 POEMS



Waiting On A Man, Waiting on My Life

@shantellewrites January 13, 2025 I didn’t live a life with my father. I just have a handful of mindset shifting memories. This blog excerpt, from an unfinished draft, is paired with 2 poems I wrote on Sunday, April 26th, 2026, in the grasses of UNCC-Charlotte, drawing a tree, prompted by my identification with Jeannette McCurdy’s (Sam from Victorious!) first novel, Half His Age: A Novel. OMG, lol, was this really posted on my birthday?! February 10th - Aquarius, water bearer but not a water sign; an air sign - a humanitarian, like Oprah, Abraham Lincoln, and Bob Marley.

If my daddy didn’t want me, what man is going to want me? That’s really my core belief. Last night I told my daughter not to settle for her absolutely amazing best friend. He’s kind and caring and honest, but like she said, he doesn’t go to the gym or show up on time. These are family values and I encourage her to make them non-negotiables. I laugh and tell her she’s a woman now that she figured out that hot guys are simple, and intellectual and emotional connections are possessed by those we don’t wish to possess. Oprah and Maya Angelou confirmed that you can’t just dismiss a lack of attraction. I have hope for my beautiful and successful child that her dream man will show up.

I want to believe it for myself, so I will expose and release the belief I have now.

Let’s let the past go…it’s been draining my life.

I AM FROM

“THE BEST OF TIMES AND THE WORST OF TIMES.”

HOMELESS SHELTERS AND BREAKERS MANSIONS

POVERTY TO PURPOSE

PASSION STIRS MY SADNESS WITH ABILITY TO CONNECT…

FAST! BUT NOT LONG…

LIKE MY FATHER,

I WAITED AT THE WINDOW FOR

NO VOICE TO CALL HIM, WHICH HE MAKES MY RESPONSIBILITY

RESPONSIBLE FOR EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING BUT ME,

SO I NEVER LEARN HOW.

“IF I’M NOT PRETTY, I DON’T DESERVE TO LIVE.”

BUT I DON’T LIVE EVEN WHEN I FEEL I DESERVE TO

TOO MANY THOUGHTS TO SIT STILL

SO MUCH TO DO I CAN’T SIT ALONE

MEDITATING ONLY IN EMERGENCY

“IF I SLEEP, WILL YOU WAKE ME UP IN TERROR?”

IF I FOCUS, I STILL FAIL.

I FEAR LOSING MYSELF ONLY FOR YOU

FOR I ONLY FEAR LOSING

THIS WANT TO WIN MAKES ME A WARRIOR BY DEFAULT,

BUT EVERYTHING I BELIEVE…

I DOUBT DOUBLY.

“THE TRUTH IS I’VE NEVER BEEN A GIRLFRIEND.”

I’M MY BEST SELF WHEN I’M WHAT HE WANTS.

I BEG TO BE SEEN JUST TO EXIST

TOO MANY TALENTS TO TELL YOU

MY EXCITEMENT IS MANIC AND DRAINING

SO IT’S BETTER TO BE ALONE

OTHERWISE, I TRY TO MAKE YOUR DREAMS MINE

TO MAKE YOU WANT ME.

TO SAVE ME FROM AN IMPOSSIBILITY TO HAVE PEACE,

I AM MY MOM’S PESTILENCE.

I MUST PRAY FOR MY UNCERTAIN PURPOSE.

“PITY ME.” OR  “BE ME.” “YOU ARE ME!”

I AM FROM WHERE YOU ARE FROM

Rejection is Protection

You don’t have to love me. I’ll love myself. If all my talents are too big for you, you’re missing out. I can rub your head oh so gently; both man and dog melt to my touch. I can sing you a lullaby with the sweetness of Beyonce. I can whisper foreign languages of love in your ear. I will lend my ear to listen to all you say and respond with openness to understand all of you. I cook food to nourish your soul and my anger is never too bold. Fifty shades of gray, I see your way. But no longer will I lead you out and watch from the opening of the cave. The light will shine on me too– the one who leads the way.

I AM

A GENIUS–

AN INVENTOR–

A TRENDSETTER–

“CLASS DIVA”–

[ SET APART]

“I AM MY ANCESTOR’S WILDEST DREAMS!”

I LIVE IN A DIFFERENT WORLD

A PHOENIX THAT BURNS AND IS REBORN–

MATHING MYSELF OUT of ERROR–

CLEARING MY DEBTS BY DEFAULT–

DEPOSITING MY CHANGE IN THE WORLD–

I AM WATER AND AIR–

LIKE LIGHT IS WAVE AND PARTICLE–

MOVING TOO FAST FOR YOU TO SEE ME–

A VISIONARY–

AN AUTHOR–

DOCUMENTING MY LIFE IN REAL TIME! YE,

“I AM NOT A REGULAR MOM. I’M A COOL MOM”–

A SILENT LEADER, HER STORYTELLER

A SCIENTIST–

A SALESWOMAN,

A WOLF OF THESE STREETS–

SEEING POTHOLES LONG BEFORE YOU AGREE–

YOU ARE AFRONTED BY ME

NO MORE LYING TO YOU, NOR ME

FOR I BELIEVE IT’S UP TO ME

TO FORGET ME

ME– (MINUS) PTSD

= (EQUALS) PHOTOGRAPHIC MEMORY.

THAT’S BRILLIANT MATH BECAUSE IT SETS ME FREE–

SEE?

“IT’S OKAY TO BE ME.”

THAT’S ALL I AM.

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