The Magic Trick to Gratitude Lists

The Magic Trick to Gratitude Lists

@shantellewrites Wednesday, April 13 2022

This is my first blog and to share it I had to overcome the fear of being wrong. I had to radically accept that I never have to be right. I plan to update previous entries and to explain why I changed my mind. Our writing–my blog and your comments–is a 2-way relationship. We play no roles because everyone we meet is a personified soul to LOVE, observe, and learn from. There are no good or bad people; no Lower Powers. I fear regret more than failure.

Artwork By Shantelle Wright

“I’m telling you, you got to be the shit to you. Stop waiting on a nigga to verify whether you the shit or not. If you the shit you the motherfucking shit. We tired of you getting with us and blaming us for shit we ain’t even in control of. You done got with a nigga now you talkin bout ‘You fucked up my self esteem.’ Bitch it’s called self esteem! It’s esteem of your motherfucking self. How the fuck could I fuck up how YOU feel about YOU simple bitch?!”[1] 

- Kat Williams

Gratitude lists don’t change your life.

People tell you to write a gratitude list to feel better and sometimes you’re desperate enough to take the suggestion, but it doesn’t seem like it will really help or change your life. Gratitude lists don’t change your life. They motivate you. Then you change your life. In fact, do this worksheet and then come back. You have to do different to get different.

Spontaneously start writing!

Simultaneously search for examples of happiness you ungratefully overlooked…

I started practicing with a spiritual toolkit app on my phone that has a gratitude list tool, but it only provided ten spaces. Typing into my phone and fighting with the autocorrect over proper nouns subtly affects my stream of thought, so these days I stick to pen and paper.

I’d start with…

1. “I’m grateful for my daughter…

2. That I’m alive, that I have breath in my body…

3. My mom and brothers…”,

but ten spaces would fill up so fast I’d have to go back…

categorize, and combine what I was grateful for. I’d think, “my daughter, my mom, and my brothers should all be on one line. That should leave space for something deeper, like I’m grateful I can read and write to make this gratitude list in the first place and to have a job”. I’d try to push away the auto-negative thought that I hate my job because I need to work to pay bills.

I’m really grateful for my ability not just to budget, but to finesse and bargain to keep my ship sailing. I’m broke but I keep the basics going and don’t complain to my daughter anymore. I remember when I used to yell and argue with her everyday. Often, when I’m being hard on myself, she reminds me that I’m a much better mom now. (Hint: This is the type of thing you add to your gratitude list.)

I feel good for a half hour after washing dishes and making a nice dinner. Keep it going with podcasts and trap music. Take the time to laugh at her Tik-Tok. Even take the dog on the long route and make her a nice dinner. But that energy ain’t peace. It’s not the infinite energy available when you feel in sync. When every tree and person is beautiful, every conversation a miracle, and the hot sun, drenching rain, biting breeze and cold snowflakes make your skin alive.

Motivation

Psychological research suggests that the negative bias influences motivation to complete a task. People have less motivation when an incentive is framed as a means to gain something than when the same incentive will help them avoid the loss of something.[2]

This can play a role in your motivation to pursue a goal. Rather than focusing on what you will gain if you keep working toward something, you're more likely to dwell on what you might have to give up in order to achieve that goal.

What should you write on your gratitude list?

“Experience is the hardest kind of teacher. It gives you the test first, and the lesson afterward.” - Oscar Wilde

It seems silly to ask what to write about on your gratitude list. I’m not gonna force you to read my whole blog, cause hopefully it’s interesting beyond this answer. You write why you’re grateful to be where you are right now. Now this gets confusing cause it’s not just the roof over your head. For me, it was always hard to be grateful for things I was struggling to even pay for. Nah, first, you have to believe that life is so perfectly designed that you are exactly where you are supposed to be. So then you think about all the times you thought you were going off track, but that led you to the part of the track you are on right now. Life truly does have divine timing so I know this method works for you. Even when you threw the rest of your snack in the bushes, it fed an ecosystem that day. Things look and feel different when you realize that everything is working for your good.

An important lesson I learned was that Self-Esteem has at least two parts. The part we most commonly think about is how we look on the outside. Taking a shower, getting dressed up, and getting your hair and nails done to pep up has worked for me. But in reality, my energy was spent after the salons or I just sat real pretty on my bed in front of the TV snapping selfies. Cause self-care didn’t take care of the cares you have that are actually making you feel bad. That’s another thing I picked up, boredom is really an emotional cue that you’re not doing anything meaningful to you. Since esteem is admiration and respect, there’s no way you can respect that. You can’t respect a dressed up garbage can.

To increase motivation, extrinsic rewards include tangible rewards such as money or an extra day off of work. They are controlled by people other than you. Intrinsic rewards are intangible, psychological rewards that you get from a job well done. If you overvalue money and possessions, or if you think about life mainly in terms of how you look to other people, you will be unhappy.[3]

“If your intelligence is working for you, shouldn’t each day be happier than the day before?” - Sadhguru

Self-Esteem is esteem of you motherf@*%in self!

A therapist gave me an assignment to write 3 things I like about myself, which was really the prompt I needed to look within for gratitude. She told me to say I like my hair, even if it’s not mine lol. She told me to have pride in my sense of style and humor.

Wiki says, “Self-esteem is an individual’s subjective evaluation of their own worth. Self-esteem encompasses beliefs about oneself as well as emotional states, such as triumph, despair, pride, and shame.”[4] The first type of self esteem is the one you need to get out of bed. The first type of self esteem is accomplished with a searching and fearless gratitude list. Instead of using your past experiences to create fear and doubt, use them to prove that you have always been strong enough to get through even your hardest trials. Remember your triumphs. Remember what you did to get over despair.

Once, the day before my birthday, there was a surprise snow storm. I’m from New England, but I can't even remember another time like this. After being dug out of a bank once by a group of hot Firemen, I had to ditch my car when it got stuck again a couple miles later. I wrapped me and my daughter’s feet with grocery bags and layered our bodies with old shirts and towels from the trunk. As we trekked up the steep hill to get home, pushing through waist high snow, I said “Khaia, we’ll never forget this. If we can make it through this, we can make it through anything!” It was extra hard because I went to work in a tight pencil skirt that day. The guy I was dating at the time was really into outer appearances, and to appease him I kept my fashion on point–sometimes shopping before I had to pull up on him and his friends.

Gratitude lists are writing prompts to resolve resentments

Did you know you’re most likely to remember events that made you feel bad? You must actively CHOOSE good. Choose your highest potential in moments of fear and to do the hardest thing, take action.

Preserving bad memories may have evolved as an evolutionary tactic to protect against future life-threatening or negative events.[5] Some of the everyday areas where you might feel the results of this bias include in your relationships, decision-making, and the way you perceive people.

It’s a Wonderful Life. Stop wishing things didn’t happen. Your path is different from somebody else’s, but everyone has the same amount of suffering. That’s why you need support. Friends keep your vision alive when you feel down. You need a cheerleader (me and my daughter’s favorite song).

And limit conversations with someone who complains or brings up bad memories or even someone that pities you. (Get rid of boyfriends that advise you to get a real job when they could’ve just lent you their speakers for your first yoga event…I gotta let that resentment go)

Sadhguru pointed out the mystery of creation to turn bread into body. You combine with what you notice just like you combine with what you eat. The problem of health is usually an emotional one. Wrong emotions are entertained or repeated. When resentment is lifted, the organs of the body function properly.

Remember your original judgments. Research suggests that intentionally retrieving the memory of your original judgment before you recall the correct outcome can be helpful for eliminating hindsight bias.[6]

Fight the Battle: Social Media versus Self-Esteem

“Don’t let your heart’s desire become your heart’s disease.” - Pastor Chapman, RNCC

Put your phone away! Scrolling is a time suck and social media just makes you think people are doing more/better than you.They’re not. Do what you need to do on there, then blink your eyes to break the hypnosis.

The greatest feature of all time is the infinite scroll. When you didn’t have to choose to advance to a different page to continue consuming anymore, you gave up your choice. You also enacted your brain’s reward seeking system. You never know when a post is going to be funny or beautiful or emotionally-charged, so like gambling, the lottery, or a drug-addicted rat, you submit to a reward based variable ratio schedule. You harvest posts, articles, and reels like a techno hunter and gatherer.

I can’t preach about cutting down. I watched the habit forming and I try to put my phone down at certain times, but my screen time is still almost half the day. When I’m working from home, around 9 hrs on a productive day. I rationalize that I don’t want to miss a call from my daughter. I can’t help texting back during meditation, meetings, and phone calls with other people. I try to instill a boundary, but you beg me to watch just one YouTube or TikTok video you sent. “Just watch it real quick!” kicks me down a rabbit hole like a Spartan in 300.

We all know we’re comparing ourselves to others, and we likely follow people who are doing what we couldn’t do as the person we are now. We struggle with self identity. A lot of people hate our own face so we try to look like someone else. We hate our bodies so we hurt ourselves trying to be like other people. We struggle to be like other people.

People need face-to-face connection and even though I met my babyfather at the strip club, the best place to meet people is not at the club. The best place to meet people are at places where the person shares a common interest or experience. I met a solid friend at pole dancing class. Being there meant she’s the type of person that tries unconventional things and will show up at activities. It just so happens that she moved to Charlotte from Connecticut just like me, and the way she articulates life blows my mind. I can’t tell you the last time someone impressed me and her podcast was #TopNotch! (I was guessing City Girls would trending with that phrase soon, but not so much)

Conclusion: Create something you’re proud of so you have something fun to talk about with friends

“Happiness is the joy you feel moving towards your potential. You can still feel joy even when you’re suffering.” ~ Shawn Achor

What if today was your last day? You’re not trying to get somewhere. Just be where you are. All that time you’re on social media, you could be creating businesses instead of consuming them and envying them.

Having great people around us is critical, constantly telling you you can do it, even if at first they don’t believe you can. Even if later on their faith falters. PERSISTENCE is the key. All of the stuff you go through just makes you stronger. You get excited because you realize this is all designed for something bigger and better that’s coming. I just gotta keep pushing, keep driving, and get to that point. The second type of self-esteem is your current action. The doing; rather, the being.

When you know your why, you start something you won’t quit from. You absolutely feel more alive, but maybe a little out of your mind. See fear as an opportunity to grow, which is uncomfortable. See it as a test, a video game level, and play your adventure.

First, decide what you want.

Write about why you want it.

Then, learn what to make it with…

Then stop talking. Write down your dreams.

“There’s no business like show business.” ~ Tim Donahue

My spiritual toolkit app has a feature to share your list with a friend, but I’ve found that to influence my list. It becomes performative or I feel like I have to give up one of my ten spaces to include them.

I had a life-changing, 4-hour conversation with my daughter to realize I was actually not open-minded and fatally arrogant. I always needed to be right because as a black woman at an all white school and later in the corporate world where the only people that look like me cleaned up the office, being right made me feel worthy to be in spaces. When I got excited about something I wanted to do, I’d brag about it and how smart I was to come up with it.

Do you know why we brag? To prove to others that we can do something that we don’t believe deep down we can do. We get mad when others don’t share our excitement about an idea and lose interest before starting. We have to use that energy to build the idea instead. Everytime I want to share about my blog or new website, I turn that energy inward to use it to work. I motivate myself, because motivating others about me doesn’t work. They can never see the ideas in my head no matter how I describe them. But when I create, I can put something in front of them to see and discuss.

I’ve practiced yoga for years with Bizzie Gold and Buti Yoga to look good and manage stress. Sadhguru[7] took my practice deeper when he asked, “Why would you want to manage stress?” You should want to manage your mind; your insides just as much as your outside. Human beings are like every living thing. An apple tree isn’t trying to be an oak tree, and it doesn’t compare to see if it’s prettier either. An apple tree just wants to bear healthy apples. We just want to be full fledged versions of ourselves. That’s why there’s no normal. Be grateful there’s only one person just like you. Trust God for your inspiration and find your courage to create.

Time is rolling away from us at the same pace, whether you do something or don’t, whether you’re happy or miserable. If you look for approval, you’ll only hear the limits of what that person has or hasn’t done, has or hasn’t seen. God is unique within you and like this guy on a podcast once said, “If you have YouTube and a smartphone, there is no excuse not to be a millionaire.”

My mom once said, “the smartest person knows they know nothing at all.”

My choir teacher once said, ”if you don’t sing loudly, we won’t hear the wrong note to fix it.”

And I’m saying to you, “create more than you consume.”

Final Thought: I’m grateful I wrote down my dreams.[8]

Lots of people smoke weed and think of amazing ideas. They say “we should invent that” or “we should write a movie about this” or “we could be on a reality show”. I made a change that I knew would be revolutional. I actually wrote it down. Langston Hughes warned us of a dream deferred[9], but what’s worse is a dream forgotten. Be grateful for your dreams as divine thought and then write them down. LINK TO PURCHASE DREAM JOURNAL

Inviting you to PROVE YOU WERE HERE with a comment. Do you agree or disagree with any parts of what I shared?

When you combine the right action with the right techniques you can literally transform your life.

It’s like MAGIC.

[1] Kat Williams Standup on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/shorts/V20wVTtOMGo

[2] What Is the Negativity Bias?

By Kendra Cherry Updated on April 29, 2020 https://www.verywellmind.com/negative-bias-4589618 

[3] Lost Connections: Why You’re Depressed and How to Find Hope by Johann Hari, Bloomsbury Publishing Inc., New York, NY 2019 pg.113

[6] How Hindsight Bias Affects How We View the Past

By Kendra Cherry Updated on March 21, 2022 Fact checked by Emily Swaim

[7] Sadhguru interview on YouTube:

[9] Hughes, Langston. "Dream Deferred (Harlem)." 101 Great American Poems (italicized). Ed. Andrew Carroll, et. al. Mineola, New York: Dover, 1998. 75. Print.

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