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His Hands: Trauma-Bonded to a Narcissist

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His Hands @shantellewrites started May 22nd, finished November 9th, 2022, My experience becoming trauma-bonded to a narcissist. “THE MOMENT YOU’VE CONVINCED SOMEONE THAT YOU TRULY UNDERSTAND HER DREAMS AND FEELINGS (THE WHOLE WORLD THAT SHE INHABITS), MENTAL AND BEHAVIORAL CHANGE BECOMES POSSIBLE, AND THE FOUNDATION FOR A BREAKTHROUGH HAS BEEN LAID.” - Chris Voss, Never Split The Difference: Negotiating as if Your Life Depended on it. His hands are what I love most about him. I’ve sat at the foot of his bed to massage his hands and his forearms from a work injury I can’t even remember right now. I doubt he remembers injury because he fearlessly approaches each day. I doubt he remembers I cared for him. I watch him wake without the anxiety, that keeps me from slumber. I don’t really sleep because I panic about waking up. He’ll quietly meditate and smoke his black before slipping into his work clothes. Well he doesn’t really slip  into them, but he puts them on fast. When he gets up...
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The Magic Trick to Gratitude Lists

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The Magic Trick to Gratitude Lists @shantellewrites  Wednesday, April 13 2022 This is my first blog and to share it I had to overcome the fear of being wrong. I had to radically accept that I never have to be right. I plan to update previous entries and to explain why I changed my mind. Our writing–my blog and your comments–is a 2-way relationship. We play no roles because everyone we meet is a personified soul to LOVE, observe, and learn from. There are no good or bad people; no Lower Powers. I fear regret more than failure. Artwork By Shantelle Wright “I’m telling you, you got to be the shit to you. Stop waiting on a nigga to verify whether you the shit or not. If you the shit you the motherfucking shit. We tired of you getting with us and blaming us for shit we ain’t even in control of. You done got with a nigga now you talkin bout ‘You fucked up my self esteem.’ Bitch it’s called self esteem! It’s esteem  of your motherfucking self. How the fuck could I fuck up how YOU fe...
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Read My Feelings Episode 5: FEAR | Reading "Forgetting & Fear" and "My Daughter Turns 18 Tomorrow"

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Forgetting & Fear @shantellewrites Monday October 9,  2023,   October has a Friday the 13th this year; same day this rent money is due. Oh yeah, it’s Columbus Day today because Indigenous People’s Day has yet to be recognized as a federal holiday. [1] “I Gotta Think Of A Way To Get This Money By Tomorrow.”   -Day-Day , Next Friday [2] Is there a way to do what I need to do even though I’m petrified ? I’m scared of even the footsteps above me. Don’t  matter where I am I realize–in someone else’s home or my own– I  panic when footsteps approach.  In fact, a drawing of my side-door at my old house, that I used to focus on like a horror movie at bedtime, was my creative break. Drawing that door opened me up to the  very scared child-me  behind it. I started to draw more and to brainstorm ways to support that child with many secrets. My purpose is to create an open door to let anyone leave further  terror. It’s that further terror  in a...
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“I’LL SUCK THE SOUL OUT YOU!”

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QUICK THOUGHT: “I’LL SUCK THE SOUL OUT YOU!”   @SHANTELLEWRITES FEB 8, 2025 Reflecting on my man’s comments about why men finally settle down. FLESH OF MY FLESH, BLOOD OF MY BLOOD Genesis 2  | ADAM AND EVE 15  The Lord  God took the man and put him in the Garden of Eden to work it and take care of it. 16  And the Lord  God commanded the man, “You are free to eat from any tree in the garden; 17  but you must not eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, for when you eat from it you will certainly die.” 18  The Lord  God said, “It is not good for the man  to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.” 19  Now the Lord  God had formed out of the ground all the wild animals and all the birds in the sky. He brought them to the man to see what he would name them; and whatever the man called each living creature, that was its name. 20  So the man gave names to all the livestock, the birds in the sky and all the w...
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Read My Feelings Episode 1: Black Girl, White Work | A 3-part blog series about working in Corporate America.

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I’m The Boss   by @shantellewrites on Friday, September 16th   After finishing the 1st week of a 6-wk sales training Class Diva “You’re the boss, and Randy is the local sales rep.“  Immediately, my brain plays Beyoncé’s “ A Diva is a female version of a hustler ” —real quick, maybe just that line, and I chuckle on the inside and smirk on the outside. Ha-ha, I had faith in God, whatever challenge was to come walking up here, so He showed me just how specially he’d prepared me to over - come it. He delivered this exact customer visit scenario in my last position (the one that didn’t work out). All I had to do was remember…to channel John. Take the Lead What did John used to say and how did he used to say it? I’d truly admired him. His work ethic, authentic blackness, and kindness was unmatched. I walked up just as confidently as he would and just as well-dressed. I grabbed the national account manager’s hand into a warm executive shake. “Nice to meet you again!” , I say, i...
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Read My Feelings Podcast Episode 2: Affirmative Action | Reading "Invisible Woman" by @shantellewrites

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Invisible Woman written in July 2020 and revisited April 20, 2022 Don’t read this I’m writing for my own sake and it’d be better if no one read it. My friend started a convo on what it takes to be famous and I agree; you have to sell what other people would be afraid to share. If it’s authentic enough, it  goes viral. We learned that with Cardi B, and trust me as a die hard Nicki fan it hurts to put her in my opening paragraph. But we finally got the inside tip. She didn’t care about our judgment. A year later I’m arguing with my daughter’s dad about how an ex-stripper is not a real role model. We used to sneak into strip clubs to catch a glimpse at their underworld. But now, the world wants to see it all.   I started writing because I keep blowing up angrily. I go on these rants and get in my head and then I end up not wanting to even be in this world trying. I talk myself into the pointlessness of living. So there’s a real problem. Not one that I’m gonna take medicine for. O...
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Read My Feelings Episode 4: Reading "A Dog Person" & "Weekends of Sadness" by @shantellewrites

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A Dog Person @shantellewrites Sunday, December 18th, 2022  3 days after my dog was hit by a car and killed. They say Dog  spelled backwards is God , and it’s easy to believe, because my dog has been the truest representation of unconditional love.  A YouTube  video [1]  grieving the death of your pet taught me that we’re lucky to feel waves of pain. If we felt it all at once, it would be too much to bear. It might kill us. I think about  the old woman that dies shortly after her husband of many years. I think my heart is too empathetic, and at risk of death by grief. It scared me at first to think I’d be crying a year later for my Jah-baby , because I wanted there to be less pain for someone less than human. Those who know say they’ve sometimes grieved harder for pets than people they knew. I thought my aunt’s death sent me into a spiral of addiction, but my dog’s death made me wonder if I could go on. Oddly enough though, today, before I wrote this blog, ...
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Scan🚦& Go💨

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  Scan 🚦 & Go 💨 @shantellewrites short reflection on Quitting a Job Day 1. May 28th, 2025, at 10:23PM (my daughter’s birthday) I ain’t even wait this time, I just let go. See the other night I typed a list of all the jobs I ever worked from the time I got my city permit to work before 16. Starting with getting fired on the very last day of camp, I continued the pattern to age 41, having worked 30 jobs and fired from 15. I changed the font color to red for the fire. This time, I made it through Day 1 training and was sent home with an appetizer of chicken nachos. They wouldn’t even let me pick my own app. I quickly saw the social structure and confirmed I was more than likely hired for my good looks and pleasant ass. Waitressing is like stripping with your clothes on. “ Don’t stiff me, Daddy. Tip me.” I never quit without a fight. I studied the training packets and made mnemonics to memorize the liquors. I scanned the menu and let ChatGPT make me an app. I spent $1 to play a...
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Read My Feelings Podcast Episode 3: Diversity Is A Joke | "My Petty Protest" by @shantellewrites

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I always see news updates and wish I could go back in time to argue against some idiot who didn’t get it and ram the newspaper, well really the tab on my web browser on my laptop, or rip the 65-inch flat screen off my bedroom wall, and shove the reporter talking into their face and say, “See you idiot, what I tried to tell you?!” But to be honest, I know that people never even remember shit I say. I, on the other hand, remember everything, and when the “breaking news” comes out, I know exactly who I want to go back and confront. I remember every fucking argument, and I’ve replayed them in my head over and over for years; a gift of my neuroses– or genius. And this article stood out right away, as I ruminated on all my annoyances about diversity I’ve faced in tech companies, startups, and white corporate America in general. I thought about how I had to go to these Friday fire chats the CEO started at this one startup, during the George Floyd upset in Summer 2020. I had convinced this CE...
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